Adoption, Loss, and Belonging: Holding Both Truths at Once

Explore the emotional complexity of adoption, including identity, loss, and belonging — plus how families can build strong, lasting connections.

Adoption is often described as a beautiful beginning — and it is. There is a profound gift in becoming a parent and building a family. At the same time, there can be a quiet, often unseen loss in the experience of adoption — especially for the child.

As a therapist, I have the privilege of walking alongside many different types of families. Some grow through planned pregnancies, celebrations, and shared biological connections. Others are formed through adoption — through intentional choice, unexpected circumstances, or a calling to step into the role of parent.

Both are meaningful. Both are real. And both deserve to be understood with care and nuance.

The Complexity of Adoption

I am not only a therapist trained in adoption services — I am also an adoptive parent. This dual perspective has deepened my understanding of adoption in ways I could not have fully grasped before.

A quote that has stayed with me comes from Reverend Kevin C. Griffith:

“Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”

The first time I heard this as a young clinician, it felt uncomfortable. How could something filled with so much love also hold trauma?

But over time, I’ve come to understand that both can exist at once.

Joy and Grief Can Coexist

There is immense joy in building a family. You gain identity, shared experiences, inside jokes, traditions, and a sense of belonging that shapes your life.

But adoption can also carry layers of complexity.

As an adoptive parent, I’ve seen firsthand that my child:

• Does not look like me

• Does not always share my preferences or experiences

• Carries questions I cannot fully answer

• Holds wounds I did not cause — and cannot simply fix

For a moment, consider what it might feel like to be removed from everything familiar — your home, your caregivers, your environment — and expected to adapt to an entirely new system. New people. New expectations. New ways of being.

That is a significant emotional task, especially for a child.

The “Ugly Duckling” Story Revisited

The story of The Ugly Duckling offers a powerful metaphor. The duckling tries desperately to fit in — to be accepted, to belong — but never quite can.

This is not to criticize adoption. Every child deserves a safe, loving, and stable home. Adoption can absolutely provide that.

But it can be helpful to pause before making assumptions or judgments about adopted children or families. What may look like behavioral challenges or disconnection can sometimes reflect a deeper struggle for identity and belonging.

Sometimes, a child is trying to be a “duck” in a world where they were always meant to be a “swan.”

And unlike the story, not every child immediately finds their flock.

Building Connection: The Invisible Work

At the core of every child — adopted or not — is a deep desire to belong.

Biological families often have what I think of as “invisible strings” — natural ties to ancestry, shared history, and identity. These connections exist even when they are not fully known or understood.

In adoptive families, those invisible strings must often be built intentionally.

The children’s book The Invisible String by Patrice Karst illustrates this idea beautifully. It reminds us that connection can exist across distance, loss, and change.

In the same way, adoptive families can create strong, secure attachments over time through:

• Consistency and safety

• Patience and emotional attunement

• Open conversations about identity and loss

• Ongoing commitment to connection

A Message of Hope

Attachment is not a one-time event — it is something we build throughout our lives. This means there is always hope.

That hope, however, requires honesty.

Adoption can involve grief — grief over lost expectations, unknown histories, and unanswered questions. Acknowledging that grief does not diminish the love within a family. In fact, it strengthens it.

Radical acceptance — embracing what is, rather than focusing only on what is missing — creates space for relationships to grow.

Over time, connection deepens.

Trust builds.

And families — adoptive or otherwise — learn how to move, grow, and support one another in ways that feel authentic and whole.

Like the duckling who eventually finds where they belong, adoptive families can also find their rhythm, their connection, and their sense of “home.”

They may not look like every other family — but they can still learn to fly together.

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If your family has been impacted by adoption and you're navigating questions of identity, attachment, or connection, you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these experiences and build stronger, more secure relationships.

Reach out today to learn how we can support you and your family.

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Disclaimer

This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you are experiencing distress, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional.