Grief and Loss: How to Cope When Life Feels Heavy

Key takeaways

• Ambiguous Loss

• Surviving Grief Overload

Ambiguous Loss

I think it is fair to assume that this reading audience has had an experience of loss in their lives. A family member, friend, mentor, community member, or a pet. There is a predictable, though painful journey in the grief process when there is something tangible to grieve. There are rituals that surround the death, community, and family supports, groups, friends or therapists who can help those who are dealing with the pain of a loved one’s death. There are the teachings of one’s religion, faith, or spiritual beliefs, which guide our views about death and mourning. Traditional loss is more acceptable and easy to attain and understand. Traditional loss is finite. There are markers, like a funeral or a death certificate. There is some kind of softening or ending to the grief process.

What then about the type of loss which is unclear, has no formal rituals, no clear, accessible community supports, no collective understanding and might not even have a body to mourn or bury bury? Pauline Boss, a University of Minnesota researcher first coined the phrase “ambiguous loss” in the 1970’s when she was studying families of soldiers who went missing in action. The term boundary ambiguity was initially used and then replaced with the term ambiguous loss in 1977.

Boss writes about two types of ambiguous loss. One is the physical absence with a psychological presence. Someone who is missing physically but they are kept alive psychologically. These might be losses experienced through divorce, miscarriage, early childhood death, adoption, migration, service commitments, disappearance, and catastrophic experiences. There is usually an underlying hope that the loved one will reappear.

The second type of ambiguous loss is when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent. The aging process with accompanying loss of cognitive functioning, dementia, physical illnesses, brain injury, coma, addictions, and mental health issues are within this category. The loved one is physically there but absent psychologically. Being present with a loved one who we can touch, talk to but they are not there emotionally. There is an emotional death before the physical one.

The grief process with ambiguous loss is not finite. It does not have a set of marker events or closure. The grief process is colored with uncertainty and ambivalence. The experience of grief is different and the tasks are different.

Surviving Grief Overload

Grief is a journey that we will travel eventually in our lifetimes. The loss of a family member or friend, changes in our own physical health or to those of our loved ones as well as the ambiguous losses of changes in employment, finances, family composition can affect us with a grief response. There is no easy escape from grief, just the passing of time with support of friends, family, therapists, and spiritual guidance.

Grief overload or cumulative grief can happen to us when we have a series of losses from which we never seem to be able to catch our breath. Surviving a loss takes time and patience but what if grief also encompasses the losses we hear and see on a national level?

The latest mass shooting in Orlando brought this home to me. Our national tragedies are happening in places we frequent. The nightclub, shopping mall, movie theatre, school campuses, and places of worship are familiar to us. The faces and personal backgrounds we read about could belong to our own family members, friends, teachers and colleagues. The grief and emotions we see played out on a national level can reopen our own wounds or add to our own unresolved losses, whatever they are.

Our modern technology allows us to watch a never-ending loop of news, images and stories 24 hours a day. Facebook, Twitter, online news feeds or social media platforms can fuel a sense of unease and loss beyond what is physically manageable. Manage the grief overload response with:

• Self Care

• Adequate sleep

• Exercise

• Limit alcohol and caffeine consumption

Spend time with family and friends. Support -Identify if there is unresolved grief that is triggered by a national event. Therapy, support groups can help. Step Away - Limit exposure to the news. Separate -Identify what is possible to change and what isn’t. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

When to reach out

If symptoms are affecting relationships, work, school, sleep, or daily routines, professional support can help you sort through what is happening and choose a realistic next step.

MHCS provides therapy and mental health support for individuals, couples, families, teens, and adults.