The Key to Healthy Communication

Key takeaways

• The Key to Healthy Communication

• Sometimes all it takes is listening, with an open heart.

• Accelerated Therapy

What to know

The following is a condensed version of the first post in a series on couple’s communication I’ve been working on that synthesizes many of the concepts I present to couples and families who have trouble communicating. For the full post, check out my blog at www.jacquelineabeling.com.

One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is: “We need better communication.” Clear and accurate communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships be it with your partner, your children, your family, your co-workers…or whoever! And I almost always start with a lesson on emotional needs…so here goes!

Ever wonder how conversations with your partner can sometimes end in absolute disaster in a matter of minutes? You know the kind, you’re talking about what to make for dinner and, all of the sudden, they storm off in a rage and you’re left standing there not knowing what the heck just happened.

Sometimes all it takes is listening, with an open heart

Yesterday morning I sat in my office and looked into the eyes of a man who had lost his son to suicide. That was not the way my morning was supposed to have gone but then again, that is not the way this man’s week was to have gone. The start of his summer was going to be the start of incredible loss and despair for him and his family.

His pain, his questions, his tears flowed and I hoped I was giving him something to hold on to, in this moment, on this small stepping stone in a tsunami of feelings. Listening to him, giving witness to his pain was all I could do. Stilling my internal reactions allowed me to listen and bear witness to his pain.

In my years of being a therapist, there have been moments where I have looked in the eyes of clients who are in pain, grief, torment and loss. I have been asked, “How do you listen and not react?”

Accelerated Therapy

If your car were stalling repeatedly, would you assume it could be fixed in weekly, 45-minute intervals? Probably not. Attempting to solve your car problems this way would only allow you to address superficial issues. Sure, it might drive nicely for a while, but a part of you would be anticipating when the next stall would occur. You might start to feel resentment for all the time wasted on tune-ups, feel your frustration spill over, and fear that this is as good as it gets. At this point: you could keep doing what you are doing, trade in the car, or accept that the more parts that are interwoven into the problem, the more time you will need to effectively address it.

For couples and families, therapy can feel the same way; you never quite get enough time to deal with the underlying issues at play for each individual, or the relationship. We can see it, we can name it, but we just can’t get there in the time allotted. When the traditional approach doesn’t work for you, and going on a therapy retreat isn’t your ideal use of vacation days, what do you do?

Wear out defense mechanisms that prevent meaningful exchanges to occur (such as: blocking, denial, intellectualization, and isolation). Identify, name, and break down unhelpful patterns of behavior. Work through difficult conflicts with the support, safety, and guidance of a professional. Analyze, assess, and foster awareness of contributing factors and solutions. Practice positive interpersonal exchanges. Move past problem-saturated stories that have kept you stuck in the past. While you have probably never heard of this approach, it is not exactly new to the field. Also known as: Marathon Sessions, Intensive Sessions, or Double Sessions, these extended-time models were more used commonly in the 1960’s and 70’s by family therapy pioneers like: James Framo, Carl Whitaker, and Salvador Minuchin (Reiter, 2010; Weigel, 2002). These models fell out of fashion when managed care companies shifted reimbursement practices, limiting the duration of a reimbursable session to 45-minutes (Reiter, 2010). Without consumers, providers stopped offering the service, and without providers, graduate programs stopped relevant research and trainings, all but eradicating extended time models from the field.

When to reach out

If symptoms are affecting relationships, work, school, sleep, or daily routines, professional support can help you sort through what is happening and choose a realistic next step.

MHCS provides therapy and mental health support for individuals, couples, families, teens, and adults.